It's been a while since I've posted.  And for good reason.  I've been stuck in this superego rut where I stopped living in the present for a while.  I was living in the distant future.  I was so obsessed with what was to be that I stopped just being.  That scares me.  I've always strived to live in the moment, to see the absurdity of life itself but to still live for living. I got so caught up that I actually forgot to even do this five page legal environment of business paper that was due yesterday.  I ended up only turning in a page of text, with two *illegitimate* sources of information. Really.  I know it was freaking horrible.  But those sources were not completely illegit, they were just cited wrong. 

I guess what's pulled me out of it is my girlfriend.  She's great for that sort of thing.  She knows that I can't be on a soapbox 24/7, and that I need to just live life.  And that means not looking at Facebook while I eat dinner.  I was so bad a couple of nights ago.  She fixed me dinner and I was stuck on FB, proselytizing as always.  She had to close the laptop hinge, I was so bad.  I apologized, but I honestly don't know how she deals with me.  I've got a good decade and a half before I see any real change in society, but I still strive for it everyday.

And the other day was worse, still.  We had this big discussion about us.  About how we've been on top of each other for a little bit too much, and that how I needed some time away.  Not like "split-up" kind of time away, but just time to breathe.  And then guess who, of all people, I saw yesterday?  Yep, it was Suzanne.

I actually saw her while I was typing up that one page piece of shit legal business paper.  She was in the computer lab with me, handing out surveys for her marketing class.  It seemed like she was really glad to see me.  Perhaps that's just how I see it. 

Jess and I talked about Suzanne, too, two nights ago.  She thinks I'm still not over her.  I think I am, to a certain extent.  But it's just hard to get over someone that you first really fell in love with.  And I don't think Jess understands that.  Her family life has completely jaded her into thinking that she can't fall in love, or that she shouldn't, because of the aftermath that might occur will shake her to her core.  Sometimes I wish she wasn't like that, and she was sort of used to people treating her like she deserves to be treated.  Instead, everyday I'm with her, she brings these sorts of things up, like with her father.  I really do respect Jess, she's so much stronger than me.  But perhaps the relationship would be easier (and I think she would ultimately agree with me) if her father hadn't treated her like that, and decided to end his life the way he did.  Jess would be a much happier person.

But still, that would mean that Jess wouldn't be the way I love her.  She's how she is, and I don't think it's right for me to wish she would change.  I certainly wouldn't like it if she wished me to change drastically.  So, yeah.

But, for right now I think I have to, once again, re-prioritize my life. Finals are coming up.  Christmas shopping still needs to be done.  I'll need to worry about financial aid and my school/work schedule once again.  And finding a new job is also on my plate, if I don't want to go absolutely apeshit at Sears.  And I need more money, but shit that particular woe, I presume, will always be in my life.  But at least I'm not alone.  And for that, I thank the world itself.

Peace,

Your friendly neighborhood atheist.